funkytastin

to recover or not to recover

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 15:28:45 GMT

it's been some time.

christmas was nice, actually. i ate like a pig and didn't worry too much about calories and gaining, i went for a nice hourlong run in the woods behind my parents' house every morning which made the eating more bearable. and it was nice spending time with my loved ones.

everyone, my family and close friends who were in town for christmas break, told me they were worried and my one friend even said she talked to this therapist at a consulting place for eating disorders about me and she would go there with me and support me if i wanted to. so i ended up confessing about my ed to her, and two other close friends of mine, and told them how i wanted to get better.

all this and all the people saying i was too skinny made me eat tons of chocolate and bingeing and bingeing, now i binged my bmi back up to 16.

that's fine, seems like a weight i can live with and be healthier at the same time, but i seem to have lost all control. and that is NOT fine. and i need to stop gaining now. i need to ease myself back on track. cause i like being skinny, i do. and i'm not destroying everything i worked for so hard.

overall, i'm healthier and happier now though. i go out with friends again. i'm more talkative and active. we'll see how things are going.

but i'm back.
<3

fuck, i'm screwed.

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 19:54:12 GMT

so i talked about my mom got scared about how skinny i am when we went shopping.
i always make an effort to eat around her, and i had this major binge at my parents house, so she doesn't really suspect me to be anorexic.

but we talked on the phone yesterday and she was like, people don't get that skinny without starving themselves, you're skinnier than a model... we should weigh you when you come to stay over for christmas...

so i freaked and said i weighed 45 kgs (yeah... more like 41, 42....) and she was like, no way your weight is that low? and she checked out my bmi online and everything and now she wants me to get a checkup at our doc to see if maybe i'm sick or something. just in case.

oh my god. i have no idea how messed up my blood is, i don't know about that stuff. but you can tell what's wrong by looking at me. you can see that i work out and stuff.

i truly hope my mom forgets about the checkup thing.

on another note: i'm getting less scared of food. i think i'm getting better. without getting fat. yay.
but we'll see how christmas goes. i have the worst chocolate cravings and i feel i'm gonna binge next chance i get. i'll try to be normal with christmas food - after all, i can lose it again after christmas if i gain.
ha.

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 09:14:47 GMT

ha. weighed myself this morning. haven't gained. at all. i love you, metab!

it's so hard

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:16:34 GMT

i binged on friday night, maybe worst ever. went for dinner with my parents, had a little sushi, all good.

decided to stay at their place over night cause i hadn't for a while and it being christmas time and all (and because i missed my train ride).

so at home dad made some mulled wine for us to have, and we put out ginger bread and the christmas cookies mom baked and lighted some candles, to celebrate pre-christmas time. i thought it was okay, cause i'm trying to not be so scared of events like that

I BINGED LIKE OUT OF MY MIND.

i had like three big plates of all that stuff.
and i had breakfast with my parents next morning, continued to stuff myself.
so far for trying to be normal.

went christmas shopping with mommy today, we bought jeans. i tried on skinny size 0 at zara, they were a little loose on me. got them anyway cause no way i could tell mom to shop with me in the child's department.
she saw me trying them on and she got scared of how skinny i am.

went to have a little plate of pasta with her later.

i've been so emotional the last days cause i'm so confused about eating all the time. i don't know what's normal anymore. i can't do it. i can not not do it.

went to the gym early in the morning. felt good after the weekend binge. maybe weigh-in tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow.... we'll see.

everyone's making comments

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 21:23:45 GMT

so today at work two people commented on how i was too skinny and should eat more. including my boss, who was like... have you lost like 8 kgs in six weeks? and he was all serious and kinda worried about it.
sucks, cause i really like my work and the people there and i don't want it to be another place where everyone's watching me eat.

i eat more at home, but lately i've turned into an insomniac. i wake up at night and i'm... wide awake. like it's the middle of the day. and that happens every hour then. makes me drained throughout the day.

i eat more at home and i haven't really gained, but i'm so scared of that christmas dinner my friend is giving on the 22nd cause i can't think of an excuse. i HAVE to find one. the thing is i was sick for so long now i can't be sick AGAIN. i need to find something i can do for work, i guess.
i think i'm scared i might eating completely normal again and getting fat again when i go there. i've managed to get around all that christmas stuff pretty safe till now.

going for sushi with my parents tomorrow - that's totally fine with me. and maybe i'll finally make it to the gym on saturday then.

the insomnia is weird though. i think it is ed related, it's my metab which catched on surprisingly well but makes me hungry especially at night.

oh well. going to go to sleep soon:)
<3

getting better

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 11:21:59 GMT

i'm feeling a lot better, except for a horrible cough... well maybe it wouldn't be as horrible as it is if i could just quit smoking for a few days. oh well.

i wanted to hit the gym today, but didn't. don't feel it's a good idea to go already. i'll go on friday and i won't die if i work out a little less. might go for a walk later.

what i actually want to say in this post that i might not be online here as much as i used to and not talk to people as often as i used to on here. basically, i'm doing an okay job on getting a little better, and coming on here and talking about my eating disorder all the time makes me worse, i think. i need to stop myself before it's to late, and i think this might be my last chance.
i need to do this to save me.
i'm already fucking enough scared of food as it is.

the plan is to be healthy, to eat, but in a reasonable way, good enough to function and being able to concentrate.
slowly upping the intake.

and i'm actually doing okay, i think! i've been eating more fruits and joghurts, i don't stuff myself but i don't starve myself. if i can't stop thinking about that fucking joghurt in my fridge - what the hell, i'll just eat it.

if my friends want to go get some pasta - i'll just come along, and work out the next day. i miss my friends.
(okay, haven't done that so far, but that's the plan).

and, you know what? i haven't really gained. although i'm not able to work out right now.
this is really cool actually.

i think i'm lucky with my metab also. it adjusts pretty quick, it feels.

<3

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 11:42:14 GMT

i feel like shit. my head hurts, my throat hurts so much that i'm NOT REALLY ABLE TO SMOKE (how am i gonna survive this day? i neeeeeeed my smokes), and i had a bad fever yesterday night.

man, i used to never get sick. now i am all the time...
which makes people even more suspicious and worried.

i think i'm still losing, whenever i'm eating something normal (had to eat pasta saturday night) i need the urge to make up for it with restricting and exercizing, and with the metabolism boost and everything i lose with that.
at least i managed not to binge on the pasta.
41.4 kilos, 91.1 lbs this morning.
which puts my bmi at 14.5.

my friends are getting pissed at me for being such a flake. but i DON'T want to meet up and have some yummy christmas chocolate. and mulled wine, which is so popular here, is acutally loaded with sugar and cals. and everyone wants to constantly meet up at the christmas market and have some mulled wine.

oh, and i tried and went shopping in the kids department... pants for 11-12 year olds would fit, but are too short. never gonna have fitting pants again, oh well. got cute shirts though. maybe i'll try again somewhere else.

my mom told me how she weighed out her fave candy to figure out exactly how many cals are in one piece. how sad. i wish she wasn't like that. ever since she knows i'm into cal counting and stuff too, she tells me stories like that.
she's so pretty and such a beautiful person, she shouldn't worry about fucking cals.
gr.

i wish i could have a smoke right now....

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 12:46:39 GMT

i woke up and saw the scale drop once again... didn't expect that!

i'm now 41.8 kgs which equals 92 lbs and a bmi of 14.6.

funny. i didn't even wanted to lose more. i think i looked better maybe 2 or 3 kilos ago. i'm struggling to be healthier. but still... seeing a lower number... it gave me some devilish excitement.... made me happy. then i reminded myself that i DON'T want to lose more... seriously! argh i don't knonw what i want.

despite my little binge on tuesday... guess the making up for it really worked... i think switching around my cal intake does a lot for me too.

but today. it's gonna be healthier. i need to put a stop to this before i disappear. and
i'm meeting my mom tonight... layers layers layers layers of clothing.
<3

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 21:59:29 GMT

had a good/bad day... i was with friends the whole day, helping them with a film project - which included me standing outside in the cold a lot. snow everywhere and very stormy, hardly bearable. of course to be nice, they had all this food. first i felt kind of okayish with it, i figured i would just die in the cold if i didn't eat anything substantial, and i didn't eat much the day before but worked out cause i thought i'd be having dinner with mom, which we didn't, so i had a really good day the day before.

but i just kept eating, and snacking, and it was just so many carbs... bread (with cheese and ham lots of it)... pretzels... some pizza, some pasta... and i had some fucking nutella with the pretzels. fuck. like if it was okay to eat if it just wasn't at home. and i was so tired since we started early which put me into a craving mood kind of and i needed so much coffee but the other girls mixed it with so much milk... cals everywhere... argh.

i had no intention at all to work out that day, i wanted to work on this paper, but when i got home all i could think of was all the carb-loaded food.... so... i wouldn't have gotten much work done on the paper anyway... i decided to do something useful about it and hit the gym.

yay. i stayed on the elliptical for 92 mins and burned 1100 cals there, and did some other machines after that, too. made me feel so, so much better. han't had that an intense workout for a long time. kinda hurts to work out with a bloated tummy though.

the staff at the gym gave me looks again. i saw them pointing at me. leave me alone, for god's sake.

feel okayish now. still kinda bloated.

funny thing is, i wanted to be more normal. healthier.
that was too much for me to take though.

and i'm kind of being a bitch for thinking, everyone else had pretty much the same - they didn't burn 1100 at night tough. maybe they even ate more. hehe. i win.

not going to eat much besides my low cal stuff tomorrow and i'll be okay.
<3

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 20:27:35 GMT

so i decided to go out yesterday night, since lately i've been feeling kinda lonely. and i'm not gonna meet a new guy sitting at home. it was fun, acutally. of course no cute new guy, well i handed my number out to this one guy (felt very brave, never done that before), so we'll see. i'm passing out my number so somebody will call and save me. from myself.

but i HATE how every time i go out, somebody's commenting about my weight loss. one of my friends was like, "i'm SO worried about you. you're so skinny. your arms got so skinny... are you eating enough?" i don't know what to say anymore.
and i met a guy i hadn't seen in two years, who went like "gosh, you lost so much weight - i'm so worried!" like, what?! i hardly know him! go worry about someone else, everyone.
i don't like strangers saying nice things about how skinny i am eighter. like last time i was clubbing, this guy who was all over me went like, "wow, you're like a gazelle."
i liked the comparison, very flattering, but actually i was thinking, are you perverted or something? i look like a f*ing skeleton.

so please, everyone. just leave me alone.

i don't want anyone to be worried about me, really. i'm not doing this for attention or anything.

i was flipping through pictures of my birthday earlier and i could see why everyone says i'm too skinny. i am, i guess. i look emaciated. i don't even like it.
but i can't bring myself to eat more.
i don't wanna get fat.

it's kinda getting worse lately, hope it's just a phase. i don't feel like eating at all. my meals are getting smaller and smaller and cut up into tiny pieces so i can eat it with a teaspooon.
i just don't like the feeling after i ate. when i consider eating, how i make myself actually eat something is thinking of my mom. she shouldn't have a starving daughter. she deserves a functioning child.

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 14:53:03 GMT

so i'm sick now. i guess i was carrying around for a few days, but i just couldn't tell if it was only the ed that made me feel like shit or if i was actually getting sick.

pretty sure now. but i'm okay with it. i cancelled out all the birthday partys i was supposed to go to tonight (one included a horribly high cal dinner, glad i'm missing that, but i'm sad on missing out on the rest of it) and work on sunday, too. and i'm giving myself a break off of college work also. and i'm not hungry. watching tv and drinking tea now.

sucks though that smoking doesn't work that well eighter...

enough of the rant.

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 16:13:01 GMT

i had to work on friday, and i didn't have breakfast so i could have a pretty normal looking sandwich (they're getting worried about my weight loss and eating there, so i wanted to calm them down - but i usually always have breakfast, since i find my metab is ruined fot the day if i don't).
so after a long day which included lots of walking around (which made me happy cause lots of times it's just sitting behind a desk there) i got home and found myself weak and hungry, so i had a very low cal dinner earlier than i usually do.

oh, and actually i promised myself to up my cal intake cause i have so much college work to do, and i just can't focus anymore. i promised myself the night before i had to work. cause i really need to get college done by this semester.

well, i started getting those cravings. i ended up eating a little bit of everything till i wasn't hungry anymore. it didn't freak me out that much, i just decided on hitting the gym before studying the next day.

a friend i hadn't seen for a while came over later and we had some wine. i couldn't stop thinking about all that food i had left while we talked. so i made us some stuff to snack on. the very high cal cereal i had left, actually.. from before i started "dieting". i just can't bring myself to throw out food.
she loves chocolate, and i had so much left over (from easter!!) which i was so proud of not touching. i put it out for us, too. we had it. all.

she left, and i hated myself. and i binged on roasted onion then. i just put it out of the box and into my mouth and i didn't stop. i felt like shit. i'm not used to bingeing.

i've never purged before, but i couldn't help myself. roasted onions and chocolate give a weird taste put together. i purged for like an hour.

today i woke up early and hit the gym. this guy who works there, he came up to me and was like: "well, you come here a lot, don't you?" and i responded very briefly and anxious and made myself even more suspicious. he was like "are you alright" and offered to make me a training plan i could follow. i refused and said i like my little self-made workout.

he left. it was so embarassing. the whole ed thing is obvious to them. i know they now at the gym.

and actually, i had to go through a longer workout that day to make up for the binge. i burned 1200 cals+. made me feel a little better. he just kept looking. he knows i'm insane. they all do.
i just can't stand it when people feel sorry for me.

now, i'm still bloated and of course, today i couldn't bring myself to eat any healthier or to get any college work done. fuck the ed, i hate it so much. i hate myself so much.

i can't believe i purged. can't believe i binged.

at least the dreaded easter stuff is gone now.

i'm such a loonatic. i feel horrible. i don't want to get sucked deeper and deeper into this - it's so depressing.